No - it changes the meaning of the sentence."...as if he were dying" means it's like he was dying at that moment"...as if he had been dying" means that it's as if he had been dying at some point in the past, but wasn't any more by the time he closed his eyes.The one you want is probably the first one
No。"He closed his eyes as if he were dying" is correct。While it is true that the past tense and past perfect tense can be used with a verb in the subjunctive in some cases, a sentence's tense should not be changed without a logical flow of time。
In other words, if you start with the past tense (closed) and finish with the past perfect tense (had been dying), then the feeling of dying would be finished by the time he closed his eyes and there would be no longer be any reason for him to close his eyes。
The reason is that the perfect tense indicates a completed action -- the feeling of dying is completed by the time he closed his eyes。
Therefore, the past perfect tense creates a contradiction, and the sentence does not make sense。
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